Time Flies

Senior year in college. The last of the lasts. I am graduating sooner than I think I would.

It's funny how I always talk about how fast time flies by with my friends. Usually, they would have this "Yes, I know, you always talk about that when we meet each other" face, accompanied by that smile that will eventually end up exploding into laughter. But the truth of the matter is, time indeed flies by so fast. Really. It's not an overstatement.

It's so fast that I can't seem to grasp-hold of everything that had transpired in the last couple of years. So fast that my last entry in this blog seemed to have been written only last Saturday. So fast that I still think that I'm that kid who can still pull off an "all-nighter" in the clubs. So fast that I forgot I am no longer 21.

A lot of moments have emerged from the last time I've written here. Right now, I can say that I am in a position where change has been my one and only avid companion. Writing this entry alone made me think that "Hey, didn't I just write about how 'It's been a while since it's been a while'? and now I am thinking about how IT HAS BEEN A WHILE SINCE IT HAS BEEN A WHILE AGAIN?" I can't get over it actually.

If you really want to know the truth, God is change. He has been changing a lot of what I once believed and now, I think I have grown so much. I can really feel Him in me. His miracles and works.

Exhibit A:

It was my first time to complete a Misa de Gallo or what we famously call Simbang Gabi. They said that if you complete the 9 mornings, you're granted one wish and it will come true.

I didn't make a wish. I think it is superficial and it gives out an impression that you're only after the wish. I wanted to complete the Misa de Gallo because I wanted to have a spiritual healing that I had been longing for quite some time. I knew this was a way for me to get back to the heart of worship.

So I didn't make the wish. Instead, I asked God to just give me what my heart truly desires. What was my heart desiring for? A lot. And right now, I can say that he's given me so much more. I am happy. Very happy.

And right now, I still pray to Him and ask him to always bless the people around me. I asked for the power of motivation to keep me going and he gave me one. I asked for a lot of things, and one by one, I am realizing how present they are in my life right now.

Time flies by so much.

And it's really funny how God glides with it.

But I understand.

I understand the freedom that is stretched to becoming slavery, 

which gave me the experience that taught me to refuse. 

I understand the shams that coat the truth, 

which wrongly pursued for power that seeked revenge. 

I understand the enigma that surrounds the world's beliefs,

which gave me the knowledge that put much in my imagination.

I understand the protection of a mask that balances good and evil,

which opened the reality of lies and tricks. 

I understand the principles and ideologies that are built from influence,

which distorted the views from submission to decadence.

I understand the pause of life that defined nostalgia,

which yoked the obligation and bliss of alcohol to a person's life. 

I understand the meaning of love the day I did not think of myself, 

which let me get hurt the night I wanted it to be night all day. 

But I have yet to understand the possibility---that granule of possibility, that what I understood, can all be wrong. 

But I understand. 

The world never let me ate.

If I may ask it myself, when was the last time i actually ate just for the sake of it? Thing is, I am actually setting an idea here wherein the idea itself is the one I am trying to figure out. I remember last year, my professor in this philosophy class I enrolled in asked us the same question, "when was the last time...?" And i figured, she has a shit awesome point there. When was the last time I actually ate something and enjoyed the idea of eating alone? Eating alone which meant eating as it is. Eating. Yes. Only that. 

Every time I eat, I have been accustomed to eating because I know its a life-requirement. When I eat, I never really thought of the idea of eating. I never found the time to appreciate my time for eating. My mind is always afar from the table and it's always thinking of other random things that keeps me from tasting, appreciating and savoring the food. 

Well, considering all of those, I think i never really eaten anything. Same goes for sleeping. And a lot more.

With all the world's feeding of information, emotions and experiences, I didn't even realize that it got the best OR worst of me. The world constantly and consistently pressured me into thinking and worrying about everything that concerned me, BUT this. The world never let me ate. 

I'm ordering pizza. 

Bad burn.

For someone who I have loved,

I have come to compare you to a cigarette. 

I have smoked you and felt your weight on me. 

But as I drew in to your power,

It bore me the pain of emptiness.

Only then have I realized,

That you were a bad burn. 

I had the desire to light you again,

So I tricked myself to the nuisance of deceit. 

My time for you was blindfolded by my heart,

For you had me strong enough, 

to endure the pain of waiting for you. 

But waiting had become numb like ice in the dark.

And time was luxury I was not able to afford no longer. 

I have longed to see you and wished to feel you, 

But what came off of lighting you again, 

Bred two tears of grief and sorrow. 

All that I felt was from wishing thinking, 

for the blur of the smokes hid the reality.

I should have thrown you months back, had i known,

And let the fire fade as time moved on. 

I smoked you with my heart. I smoked you with my life.

But it is only now have I realized,

that you were long a bad burn.

Somehow, I made it out alive.

Now that 2008 is seen as the year that was, it inevitably gets me into thinking how one year can change a lot of things in me. A lot has happened this year and the mere thought of saying it seems an understatement given all the experiences i have gone through. New experiences that i never thought of knowing, new emotions that i never thought of feeling... new perceptions that i never thought of realizing. It is funny that in just a span of one year, i have gotten myself in this position where i feel that life is giving me something i do not deserve. Did i deserve to be robbed of happiness? Did i deserve to be haunted by choices that caught me off-guard? Did i deserve to be locked in a place of silence or secrecy? I'm saying no for an answer. But, it happened nevertheless. 

Thinking of it now, i guess it all points to only one thing---I should have never underestimated life. Life that has its capability to contrast my beliefs, its power to bend a road that seemed straight form afar, its reality that bruised me through my heel's weaknesses and its gravity that pulled me from a stagnant elevation. I never really expected that the year that was was going be like that. But that eventually taught me one thing. That meaning, a realization which took me the whole year that was to figure out. 

That choosing to be happy is and will always be an option.

Because being happy is not at all harmful. Because being happy heals. Because being happy is never selfish. Because being happy is simply being the better. 

And, for the first time in my life, I am choosing to be happy, now. 

2009, here i come. 

Of "Sleeps" and Facts.

Lately, I have been getting lesser and lesser sleep at night. Err.

Do you know the feeling where you think you're half awake throughout your  "sleep"? You keep on changing your position on your bed where you would find the coolest part of your pillow and snug your way in your comforter but the point is, you just can't sleep. And the next thing you know is, the birds outside your window are starting to chirp around and you would sense that day will just be so wrong. SO WRONG. 

Well, yesterday, that happened to me and truthfully, my day felt like shit. 

I have a lot of things going on in my head and it's not funny. I think i have this talent where I can connect everything---every person, every idea, and every surreal circumstances i find myself into given all the mishaps i have gone through in my life. And the worse thing is, I can't seem to get it out of my head. Don't get me wrong though; I am not emo. I think a more figuratively correct term is that I am only stating facts. 

Facts that come with the idea of me having to go through with the day feeling restless as my body completely feeds on caffeine and nicotine, having to put a generous amount of effort  walking straight on the aisles of my school, sitting right in front of the professor while trying not to get caught sleeping and going home feeling like crap. 

And I'm just trying to state a few here. Fuck that, right?

But at the end of it all, I guess it's worth going through with it since it kind of gives me this feeling that some good things may just actually come along the way. 

I need my Genie. Where are you Genie? 

It has been a while.

For starters, I can't even remember the last time I have put my thoughts into concrete writing. Maybe school stuff has gotten me all stiff. Or the fact that nothing really stimulates me as of the moment. Or maybe it's just the extremities of the weather. I don't know.

All I know is that it has been a while. It has been a while since I felt like smiling just for the sake of it. It has been a while since I slept without me seeing the date change in my mac. It has been a while since I last bought a book that I actually like. It has been a while since it has not been a while. 

God. I hate the fucked fact that all of these are actually facts --that being able to live a life beyond measures of happiness not dictated by societal norms is only a whimsical perception that will forever be just that: whimsical. And the worst of it all is that I have to live through, with and by it.

All I know is right now is that I don't know anything.