Somehow, I made it out alive.

Now that 2008 is seen as the year that was, it inevitably gets me into thinking how one year can change a lot of things in me. A lot has happened this year and the mere thought of saying it seems an understatement given all the experiences i have gone through. New experiences that i never thought of knowing, new emotions that i never thought of feeling... new perceptions that i never thought of realizing. It is funny that in just a span of one year, i have gotten myself in this position where i feel that life is giving me something i do not deserve. Did i deserve to be robbed of happiness? Did i deserve to be haunted by choices that caught me off-guard? Did i deserve to be locked in a place of silence or secrecy? I'm saying no for an answer. But, it happened nevertheless. 

Thinking of it now, i guess it all points to only one thing---I should have never underestimated life. Life that has its capability to contrast my beliefs, its power to bend a road that seemed straight form afar, its reality that bruised me through my heel's weaknesses and its gravity that pulled me from a stagnant elevation. I never really expected that the year that was was going be like that. But that eventually taught me one thing. That meaning, a realization which took me the whole year that was to figure out. 

That choosing to be happy is and will always be an option.

Because being happy is not at all harmful. Because being happy heals. Because being happy is never selfish. Because being happy is simply being the better. 

And, for the first time in my life, I am choosing to be happy, now. 

2009, here i come. 

Of "Sleeps" and Facts.

Lately, I have been getting lesser and lesser sleep at night. Err.

Do you know the feeling where you think you're half awake throughout your  "sleep"? You keep on changing your position on your bed where you would find the coolest part of your pillow and snug your way in your comforter but the point is, you just can't sleep. And the next thing you know is, the birds outside your window are starting to chirp around and you would sense that day will just be so wrong. SO WRONG. 

Well, yesterday, that happened to me and truthfully, my day felt like shit. 

I have a lot of things going on in my head and it's not funny. I think i have this talent where I can connect everything---every person, every idea, and every surreal circumstances i find myself into given all the mishaps i have gone through in my life. And the worse thing is, I can't seem to get it out of my head. Don't get me wrong though; I am not emo. I think a more figuratively correct term is that I am only stating facts. 

Facts that come with the idea of me having to go through with the day feeling restless as my body completely feeds on caffeine and nicotine, having to put a generous amount of effort  walking straight on the aisles of my school, sitting right in front of the professor while trying not to get caught sleeping and going home feeling like crap. 

And I'm just trying to state a few here. Fuck that, right?

But at the end of it all, I guess it's worth going through with it since it kind of gives me this feeling that some good things may just actually come along the way. 

I need my Genie. Where are you Genie? 

It has been a while.

For starters, I can't even remember the last time I have put my thoughts into concrete writing. Maybe school stuff has gotten me all stiff. Or the fact that nothing really stimulates me as of the moment. Or maybe it's just the extremities of the weather. I don't know.

All I know is that it has been a while. It has been a while since I felt like smiling just for the sake of it. It has been a while since I slept without me seeing the date change in my mac. It has been a while since I last bought a book that I actually like. It has been a while since it has not been a while. 

God. I hate the fucked fact that all of these are actually facts --that being able to live a life beyond measures of happiness not dictated by societal norms is only a whimsical perception that will forever be just that: whimsical. And the worst of it all is that I have to live through, with and by it.

All I know is right now is that I don't know anything.